Thursday
by Dillon
Summary: Absolute humour and oddity. I can't believe I wrote this, even less that I posted it, but someone found it floating in cyberspace. I had forgotten it, being one of the first fics I ever wrote. Challenge response, slightly slashy, and terminally stupid.


Title: Thursday 

Author: Dillon 

Category: Harry Potter, Humour 

Warnings: Mildly, mildly slashy. Terminally stupid. and the title is bad. I named it Thursday because I wrote it on a Thursday. 

Disclaimer: I own nothing, with the exception of a few Metal Gear action figures who decline to appear in this fic. Archiving is ok, don't know why you'd want to, but if you want it, it's yours! Just send me a link please! 

~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Thursday~*~**~~**~*~~**~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~ 

Thursday, 7th November

3:00pm

3rd floor, east wing, room 47

The weekly meeting of Supervillains Anonymous.

This week it opened with a veteran Supervillain, tearful at his lack of willpower.

"My name is Magneto, and I'm a supervillain."

"Hello, Magneto"

"I had been EP (Evil Plot) free for two weeks, before I finally caved. It all started when I learned a deep secret about one of my foes……"

::25-30 minutes later::

"…. So, after my minions abandoned me with my Evil Photocopier of Doom and the flailing started, I had no choice but retreat, and now I feel really bad and I think I actually helped my foe by interfering. ::tearfully:: I'm so ashamed ::sniffle::" 

"Thank you, Magneto. It is only through admitting your failures that you learn, Evil is not the answer. It only ends in humiliation, isolation, incarceration, and tooth decay."

"and now, we have a newcomer today. Please stand and introduce yourself to the group"

::glowering:: "My name is Lord Voldemort, and I am a Supervillain. Cower before mae!"

::suppressed snickers::

"ME! Cower before ME! Oh hell. Goyle, hold me."

"HEY! I object! This is a Supervillains-Only support group! No minions!"

"I'm sorry, Voldemort, Doctor Doom is right. Your minion must go. Perhaps another Supervillain would provide for your sympathetic needs? Gladiator? Dredmund? Magneto? "

"Considering that he's the only member of that list who….."

"Doesn't suck?"

"Thank you. Doesn't suck. I think I'll sit by Magneto."

::Moments later, the two supervillains can be heard conspiring like old allies. Cute, in a sinister Cthulu monster type way::

::whispered:: "For a muggle, you're incredibly sinister. I rather like this Photocopier of Doom plot. Might I borrow the technological object in question?"

"Sure. Can I touch your wand?"

"No"

"Please?"

"No"

::sigh::

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~Meanwhile, at Hogwarts~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Harry Potter awoke to a massive weight on his chest. A massive, wet weight. 

He looked down to his chest warily, blinking away the myopic fuzziness.

"What are your intentions toward my son?" asked the enormous, seemingly female toad

"Er…. He is the One?"

The toad narrowed her eyes.

"You aren't Neville Longbottom, are you?"

"No. He's by the window, 3 beds down, lower bunk"

"Thanks."

Harry sighed and shook his head. A few minutes later a mild whimpering could be heard from near the window. Then, from another bunk

"But… I don't want a pickle. I just want to ride my motor-sickle."

Harry sighed. No two ways about it, Seamus was weird. shook his head again, and decided to go to the kitchen or something. He reached blindly for his snitch clock, and clasped something…. Odd. Bulbous. Warm. Benostrilled.

"Well, that's definitely not the snitch"

He debated looking to see what he'd been perusing, but decided he was still half asleep. He muttered "I just have this thing about toes. And flobberworms. And shrivelfigs. Other than that, I'm perfectly normal. For a centaur." Then he rolled over, and went back to sleep.

Only to be reawakened two hours later. By a large, fuzzy red blur. He groaned and yelled "Hey Seamus! Dean! Somebody! Accio a Weasley! Any Weasley! Just try for the one by my bed!"

To his surprise, a voice rang out "Accio Weasley!"

"Um, thanks"

He sat up and put on his glasses, only to see Ron sprawled across a random Hufflepuff in the doorway. And George Weasley looking down at them, scandalized.

"Oi, Ron! What're you doing sprawled across my Hufflepuff?"

"Believe me, it wasn't my first choice. Some ice here?"

Harry just shook his head, threw on his robes, and went to breakfast, being careful not to step on assorted nuts and limbs as he passed through the doorway.

At breakfast, things got even stranger. Professor Snape stood before the school, wearing nothing but a pair of boxers. Blue boxers. With little yellow stars. That moved. He looked thoroughly mortified. 

Professor McGonagall came in. 

"Hey, Snape! What's up?"

Snape deadpanned "Wouldn't know. I've never been there"

"Why are you looking all slumped and glowery like that?"

"It's a thoroughly effective way of being wretched"

Dumbledore finally lost his composure and collapsed, giggling, to the floor. Nobody noticed.

Snape hissed "Just let me get some clothes on, Minerva! For God's sake! Don't you think the students have suffered enough?"

McGonagall laughed. "Hey, dude. This was your bet! Not till all the students hear your little speech."

Harry rolled his eyes and took his place. Soon Ron arrived, mildly bruised but none the worse for wear. He spotted his friend and dropped into the seat across the table.

"Hey, man. What's up?"

"Wouldn't know. I've never been there"

Ron considered

"Knut for your thoughts"

Harry looked pensive for a moment.

"These robes are itchy when you're not wearing anything underneath."

"I now officially know too much"

Harry smirked and raised his hands as if to say "Hey, you asked"

Hermione dropped into the seat next to Ron, and threw a glance at the teachers table, with Smirking!McGanagall, Boxers!Snape, and IncapacitatedByGiggles!Dumbledore.

"Well. That certainly wasn't in Hogwarts: A History."

The Twins dropped into the seats on either side of Harry

"No, it sure wasn't" marveled Fred

"Anybody know what it's about?" asked George, suddenly curious.

Harry, Hermione, and Ron were a little surprised at the thought of a curious George, but Harry regained his composure and replied "all I know is it has to do with some kind of bet

As if on cue, the stars on Snapes boxers rearranged themselves to read "McGonagall Rocks!"

Snape turned a pleasing shade of crimson, as McGonagall stepped over the no-longer-giggling-but-still-inert Dumbledore and announced "Now that we are all in attendance, our dear Professor Snape has an announcement he'd like to share over breakfast. So, without further ado…." She stepped back and gestured Snape to the microphone.

"ah, um ::clearing throat:: I, uh…. I… I cannot BELIEVE I am doing this."

He covered his face with the speech in his hand

"Minerva, is this absolutely necessary?"

"Yes. Now get to it. Your breakfast is getting cold" She looked about ready to join Dumbledore, who was giggling again, punctuated by the occasional deep breath and 'ow'

Snape just glowered.

McGonagall cracked 

"I like your shorts, by the way"

Snape flushed deeper, and three hapless flies died under his gaze. Then he growled

And started reading.

"Ahem. I, Professor Severus Snape, have called your attention to say that Professor Minerva McGonagall is my…. MINERVA! I am SO not reading this!" His eyes scanned the speech with growing horror.

McGonagall cackled "You have to! Otherwise you're backing out on a justly won bet, and you KNOW what that means….."

Apparently, Snape not only knew what that meant, but was less interested in doing whatever it was than reading a humiliating speech in his undies before the entire school. Harry, and a few others, almost felt sorry for him. Almost.

"Ahem. I, Severus Snape, would like you to know that Professor McGodawful is my ::hack! cough!:: hero, and I, Snape, am not even worthy to breathe the same air as her. She is my sun, my moon, my starlit sky. Without her, I am nothing. She is a better teacher than I can ever hope to be. Compared to her, I am lower than the diseased spawn of a flobberworm. I would like to conclude my speech with a little song that makes me think of her" at this, he groaned, picked up his wand, and stood upon the table. The lights dimmed, and the music began to play.

Did you ever know that you're my hero,

and everything I could hope to be?

I can fly higher than an eagle,

for you are the wind beneath my wings.

Snape actually wasn't a bad singer. Of course, that didn't stop ANYONE from laughing once they realized what song it was.

It might have appeared to go unnoticed,

but I've got it all here in my heart.

I want you to know I know the truth, of course I know it.

I would be nothing without you.

Did you ever know that you're my hero?

You're everything I wish I could be.

I could fly higher than an eagle,

for you are the wind beneath my wings.

Did I ever tell you you're my hero?

You're everything, everything I wish I could be.

Oh, and I, I could fly higher than an eagle,

for you are the wind beneath my wings,

'cause you are the wind beneath my wings.

Oh, the wind beneath my wings.

You, you, you, you are the wind beneath my wings.

Fly, fly, fly away. You let me fly so high.

Oh, you, you, you, the wind beneath my wings.

Oh, you, you, you, the wind beneath my wings.

Fly, fly, fly high against the sky,

so high I almost touch the sky.

Thank you, thank you,

thank God for you, the wind beneath my wings.

By now there wasn't a dry eye, and few dry seats, in the Great hall. Snape's face glowed the fires of hell as he turned to step down. However, he was surprised to hear a chorus of applause and a few shouted 'Encore!'s He smiled, turned, and bowed. May as well do it gracefully, if he had to do it. Behind him, Flitwick brushed a tear from his eye and said 

"Lovely, simply astounding! Dumbledore, what made him do it?"

Tears still streaming, Dumbledore replied "A bet of some kind"

Lupin, blowing his nose, added "They bet on whether Neville Longbottom could turn Filch's cat into a Blast-Ended Screwt correctly, and get away with it. He did a delayed charm, and Filch got horribly singed, spent three days with Poppy, and ended up rambling to Dumbledore about "that hideous nuisance Peeves"

Flitwick looked considerate "Longbottom? Isn't that the boy you asked me to give extra tutoring in Delayed Charms? He's quite good, if I remember…."

Snapes eyes went dark and cold "Minerva?!? You CHEATED me!?!?" 

McGonagall stopped laughing, fast. "uhoh. That's my cue, if you'll excuse me?"

Snape grabbed his wand and chased after McGonagall's fleeing form, mildly impeded by the still-prone headmaster, moaning and giggling through sore ribs.

"I believe that display is worth having two teachers in the medical wing a week or two, don't you?"

Every teacher present nodded approval.

Just as things seemed to be settling down, there was a rustle in the corner.

Voldemort, a dozen or so deatheaters, a large bulky machine labeled "Magneto's Evil Photocopier of Doom", and a fairly sinister looking dude dressed in magenta appeared.

Hermione yelled "HEY! You can't apparate in Hogwarts! Haven't you read Hogwarts: A History?"

Voldemort laughed maniacally for a moment, then started giggling like a little girl. "But we didn't apparate, foolish child. We turnded invisible, and sneaked in while that fool Snape was making a fool of himself! BWA HA HA HA he he he he he he eh he he he!"

Hermione looked stunned. "Ok. That would work. Carry on."

Voldemort drew himself up to his full height and glared down at them imperiously. He held up a stack of crappy looking copies and bellowed 

"I have here several hundred copies of a really bad poem and part of Harry Potter's diary I found online, as well as a picture of him and a certain person in MATCHING PINK BUNNY COSTUMES! With a suspicious looking can of WHIPPED CREAM! I plan to pass these out to anyone who wants one! Keep one for yourself! Send one to your mom! Send one to Rita Skeeter's mom, for all I care! You could even send one to Harry!"

A random Hufflepuff stood nervously "Sir?"

"Yes, Plebian Scum?"

"You don't think this is a bit….. juvenile?"

Voldemort narrowed his eyes

"No"

He glared until the Hufflepuff raised his hands in peace and sat back down, looking confused.

Harry, Hermione, Ron, Fred, and George stepped forth

"We've beaten you before, and we'll do it again!"

Voldemort smirked

"Deatheaters, attack!"

The Deatheaters just stood there. One snatched a pastry off Dumbledore's untouched plate and began snacking apon it.

After a moment Ron cleared his throat and spoke

"Dude, shouldn't you guys, like, attack?"

"No. We thought it was a stupid plan, and we're not going to waste our time saving it. Besides, most of us are still sore from laughing at Snape."

He finished his pastry and announced

"Come, Deatheaters! Let us acquire some snacks, and borrow Parkinson's portkey to Hogsmeade! We can still catch 'Attack of the Unusually Large and Brightly Colored Kneazle' on the Three Broomsticks Entertainment Screen!"

Our heroes simply smirked as the Deatheaters and the magenta guy vanished, and turned to Voldemort, who was fuming

"They. Will. Pay. And Potter, you're a poetry-writing freak with no feel for rhythm"

With that he stalked out

Harry looked genuinely hurt.

A loud crash resounded from outside. All ran to look, and found that Voldemort, leaving the room, had promptly run into one of his own Deatheaters, Lucius Malfoy, who'd been in the loo. They went head over heels down a staircase, and landed on Filch's cat, whereupon they were hexed by a passing Snape and McGonagall, now both in their underwear. As they returned, rather more emotionally traumatized than usual, to the Great Hall, Draco Malfoy made an interesting observation. He showed his copy of the paper Voldemort had been passing out to Harry.

"Dude, isn't that me with the whipped cream?"

"Um, yeah"

::somebody, arguably a Weasley, whispered "this won't end well" Another somebody, probably another Weasley, whispered back "Three Sickles says Wizard's duel" "You're on!"::

"Ok, aside from the obviously charmed photo, isn't the poem, and the majority of the diary page aside from the line 'I would have milked the cow, but I was too busy yodeling. I hate Snape' about me?"

"Um, yeah"

Draco raised an eyebrow

"So, is it safe to assume that the majority of this is for real?"

Harry blushed furiously

"Uuum, yeah"

Draco sighed

"How long?"

"Um, have I been interested in you?"

"yeah"

"First year, Madam Malkin's Robe Shop. But I've only been Really interested since around the Triwizard Tournament"

Draco sighed again

"That long?"

"um, yeah"

"were you planning on telling *me* anytime in the foreseeable future?"

"Um….."

"I'll take that as a 'no'"

Harry's downcast eyes told him he was right

"Why not?"

"Well, I…. I wasn't sure you were interested like that. You know…."

"Did it occur to you to *ask* me?"

"Um….. I, uh…. How?"

"Oh, I don't know, maybe just 'Hey Draco, are you g…. Ok, I can see where that might be a problem"

"Yeah."

There was an awkward silence

"So, are you?"

"Maybe"

"See, I knew you…. WHAT?"

"You heard me"

another awkward silence

"I think we pissed off the god of awkward silences today"

"yeah"

Signifigant awkward pause

"so, now what do we do?"

"Well…" Draco turned to face slightly past Harry's right shoulder, trying hard to look nonchalant "We could go about our business and never speak of this again"

Harry's eyes managed to be more downcast, and Draco smirked

"Or, you could come over here, and we could see what happens"

Draco's eyes showed clearly which option he voted for, and Harry's were a portrait of joy and excitement as he leapt into Draco's arms and their lips met in a searing kiss.

"Pay up, Fred. This doesn't look like a wizard's duel to me."

Suddenly aware of their surroundings, both boys blushed brightly. Draco tossed his head toward the door with a smile

"Let's take this somewhere a little more… private, shall we?"

Harry nodded agreement, and they fumbled their way to the door

The Great Hall was silent behind the boys until the door fell shut behind them. 

At that moment, Dumbledore stood, cleared his throat, and spoke:

"Ok, who else *really* didn't need to see that?"

Every hand in the Great hall went up, with the exception of a Random Hufflepuff, who irritated everyone by cheering "YEAH! GO GAY GUYS!" for nearly five full minutes, till someone lobbed a large root vegetable at his head, and he fell silent.

Dumbledore raised an eyebrow

"who threw that?"

Neville Longbottom tentatively raised his hand

Dumbledore grinned

"20 points to Gryffindor for good aim"

Hogwarts was back to normal.

For now.


End file.
